Brittany Rebecca Helton

Coping with Suicide Loss

“One learns to live with the loss, the tragedy, the waste, and the gaping hole in the fabric of one’s life. There is no closure, nor would I want one. I want to remember him all my life, vividly: his laughter, the smell of his sneakers under his bed, his moments of joy, his humility, and his integrity.”

If you have lost someone to suicide, the first thing you should know is that you are not alone. Each year over 33,000 people in the United States die by suicide — the devastated family and friends they leave behind are known as “survivors.” There are millions of survivors who, like you, are trying to cope with this heartbreaking loss.

Survivors often experience a wide range of grief reactions, including some or all of the following:

• Shock is a common immediate reaction. You may feel numb or disoriented, and may have trouble concentrating.
• Symptoms of depression, including disturbed sleep, loss of appetite, intense sadness, and lack of energy.
• Anger towards the deceased, another family member, a therapist, or yourself.
• Relief, particularly if the suicide followed a long and difficult mental illness.
• Guilt, including thinking, “If only I had….”
• These feelings usually diminish over time, as you develop your ability to cope and begin to heal.

What Do I Do Now?

• Some survivors struggle with what to tell other people. Although you should make whatever decision feels right to you, most survivors have found it best to simply acknowledge that their loved one died by suicide.
• You may find that it helps to reach out to family and friends. Because some people may not know what to say, you may need to take the initiative to talk about the suicide, share your feelings, and ask for their help.
• Even though it may seem difficult, maintaining contact with other people is especially important during the stress-filled months after a loved one’s suicide.
• Keep in mind that each person grieves in his or her own way. Some people visit the cemetery weekly; others find it too painful to go at all.
• Each person also grieves at his or her own pace; there is no set rhythm or timeline for healing.
• Anniversaries, birthdays, and holidays may be especially difficult, so you might want to think about whether to continue old traditions or create some new ones. You may also experience unexpected waves of sadness; these are a normal part of the grieving process.
• Children experience many of the feelings of adult grief, and are particularly vulnerable to feeling abandoned and guilty. Reassure them that the death was not their fault. Listen to their questions, and try to offer honest, straightforward, age-appropriate answers.
• Some survivors find comfort in community, religious, or spiritual activities, including talking to a trusted member of the clergy.
• Be kind to yourself. When you feel ready, begin to go on with your life. Eventually starting to enjoy life again is not a betrayal of your loved one, but rather a sign that you’ve begun to heal.

Excerpted from Surviving Suicide Loss: A Resource and Healing Guide.

A Message to Survivors

We encourage survivors to gather, to remember, to speak aloud the precious names of those lost to suicide. You are in a safe place with those who understand.

If you are very new to the tragedy of suicide loss, despair may be your companion. We hope you find some time to rest your burden and share it with those of us who need no explanation.

There is no map on this path to becoming whole. It is the most painful of journeys — full of twists and turns, bruised hearts and misunderstandings. Small wonders appear on this path but we may be too sore or fragile to recognize them. But there will be a day when you can look back and know that they were there.

We share your loneliness. We share your sorrow. We share your questions. We honor those we love who have been lost to suicide. May the radiance and beauty of their lives never be defined by their deaths.

Survivors are the most courageous people we know. Be well, be peaceful, be hopeful.

Excerpt from AFSP: Surviving Suicide Loss.