Brittany Rebecca Helton

we all went to gram and grandpa’s house. It was fun being there with all my girls, except we were missing you. I had a convo with Gram about how tired I am. Not just tired, but exhausted. I feel so run down. I have no energy to do anything and I think it’s because of all the depression and thoughts about losing you. It’s the first time that I have cried I think in at least a week. I am angry at people for doing what they did to you AND for what they did to sissy. It cannot be forgiven, but ultimately we are not the ones that have to find forgiveness for them. We will leave that up to one person.

We all miss you. Gram told me that we will get through this together, but I am not sure if I will ever be able to make this pain go away. This is not the way that it was supposed to be. Even though we did not speak regularly, you were supposed to  come back to me…back to your sisters and we were going to have a better life than what I tired to give all of you. We were finally going to be together and be happy. I am not sure if I will ever be happy again. I know that I will have my moments, and that you would want me to be happy, but with you gone and knowing that you will never walk this earth again I do not see forever happiness. I hate the fact that I will never get to see your beautiful face again or that I will never get to tell you that I love you and that the things that you were told were not true. I am so sorry that you had to deal with that type of insanity. You never should have been told the things you were told nor should you have been called the horrible things you were called.

I love you very much, and please know that we ALL miss you so very much.

When are people ever going to realize that no matter how ugly they are or however many lies they tell to make themselves look better, it is never going to bring you back. The fact of the matter is that you had MY DNA. You died while under the care of someone who essentially took you from me and would not allow me to see you. They can ‘spew their ugliness’ (as it has been said by an unmentionable) and tell the lies that they do, but that is never going to bring you back to any of is.

I found a blog that a gentlman wrote and you were mentioned, but your ‘father’ went and left a comment on it stating that I was not your mother. Why does he have to do tat. That is not going to bring you back. So what if that crazy person is listed on your birth certificate. She certainly did not give birth to you, especially at 17 years old. That’s what I think is funny. They claim that I left you when you were 3, but the reality is that you were stolen from me and I was not allowed to see you unless it was convenient for them. But, I know that you know the truth and that is all that matters. They can cover their own guilt all they want, but once again…they are responsible for what happened to you and that is something that they will have to live with for the rest of their lives….and I hope they live long miserable lives!!!

Rest peacefully sweetheart

I think its hilarious that some people can claim that they believe in God when the have and continue to treat people the way that they do. They do and say hurtful things to people who they claim to love and then act as if they are ‘one with God’. Too bad they were not that way when you were alive because then maybe you would still be here. If they truly loved God as much as they claim, then why are they treating people they way that they do? Why are they being dishonest with the things that really happened surrounding your passing and the years before that. Perhaps they should seek God just a little more so they will see how wrong they are. Maybe one day if they are truly honest and take responsibility for EVERYTHING, God will forgive them and grant them passage…but until that happens, they will forever be condemned. At least I know I have been honest with everything and I know where I will go when my time is up. You and I will be together again the way we should have always been.

I love you

I am so excited that your sissy made it from CA today! I have not seen her in almost a month, since the walk. I’ve missed her! She is going to be here for a week and that will allow me to get my ‘Ashley fix’!! (haha you know what I mean and so does sissy!! inside joke!)

She is going to have a sleep over with the tiny baby children on Friday. She has grown into such an amazing big sister. It took her a while, but she is so great with them and they cannot get enough of her. They miss her so much when she is gone but love it when she come back. It’s fun having all my girls with me…even you. I know that you are watching over us. And thanks for watching over sissy during her drive. You are always with us, but God…what I wouldn’t give to have you back with us again. There was never a time when all of my girls were together in one spot and that would do nothing but make me the happiest mother in the world.

Always thinking about you, and how much we love and miss you. And I don’t need to brag about what we are doing for you nor would I ever assume that you are proud of me. I know that what i do everyday is for you and that you see it everyday.

but some people don’t seem to understand that. How can you establish a memorial fund on the EXACT day that you died? That is sick. Why not put the actual date of when it was established instead of trying to make up for your own guilt? Why not call it ‘I was sleeping on the couch when my daughter committed suicide’ fund? Why not call it ‘It’s all about me and EFF the rest of you’ memorial fund? Or even better ‘I took another woman’s children away from her and tormented them’ memorial fund?

She will never understand the kind of pain that your father and I are going through because she was not your mother. Only Ron and I will ever what this pain feels like, in regards to you dying. She will never know because she did not have that connection that the 3 of us had. We were your parents, she was just the person that was responsible for your death. I will stand by that belief until the day I die.

and I will  be able to honestly say that I did everything that I could as a mother for all 4 of my daughters. I went without so you all could go with, I struggled so all of you could have the things that I did not have when I was a child. I worked graveyard for 7 years so there was always someone at home with any one of you. I went into financial debt fighting for YOU because I knew that something was just not right. I was not the one that would not allow you to see me. I was not the one that would call the police when you came out for a visit. I was not the one that sent the police on Christmas morning and made you stop playing with your sister so you could talk to them, and I was not the one that broke the law each and every time that you were supposed to be due for a visit and you were not allowed to come, or it was made to be so difficult for me that by the time your visitation was due it was too late to book you a ticket.

I wish that I weren’t such an adult sometimes and I certainly wish that I was not the better person, because trust me baby, there would have been some serious damage done a long time ago. I hate the 2 that call them your ‘parents’. They are the ones that are responsible for you no longer being here. I don’t give a shit if you WERE 19 and an adult. The fact of the matter is that you lived with them (I know that was not your choice) and they were responsible for you and you were under their care when you took your own life. They were the ones responsible for the fact that you did what you did while they laid their lazy fat asses on the couch and took an effing nap. What the frek does she need to take a nap for in the middle of the morning. All she does is sit on her ass in front of the computer. SERIOUSLY! She needs to get over herself and realize that she is the one that is responsible and she is the one that is going to have to answer to her maker one day…..if she makes it up that high. There is nothing that she can say to defend herself. She can claim that she is such a ‘great mother’ and that she did nothing wrong…except for the fact that she did!! I may not have been a part of your life at that moment, but at least I was not laying my lazy ass on the couch sleeping while you were in your darkest hour!!! Nice excuse!! She acts as if she is the only one that is suffering from your loss. Well guess what….you aren’t!!! You are not the only one that loved MY daughter!!! What a self centered waste of a human being. I wish it had been her and not you that left. I would rather go through a lifetime of thinking that one day we would have a great relationship than what I am going through now! This is not what I signed up for when I gave birth to any of MY daughters.

So know this….at least I will be able to meet my maker and know that I did everything I could to be a good human being….Can the CRAZY actually say the same….doubtful….turn that over to your maker……but just remember how effing hot it is down there…….

I love how Ashley has an amazing way with words! She is awesome! She can belittle someone in the nicest way! The funny thing is that she can put it up on Facebook and the person that it’s aimed at will never see it, let alone understand it. Thank God that you both got your smarts from me! Thank God you both have some common sense….and you are both gorgeous to boot! Unsafe combo for some morons in this world!!!

And, it is FINALLY time that someone had the nerve to stand up and speak their mind to the CRAZY. Everyone is so afraid of her and what she might do to them like she did to you that they will talk shit behind her back all day long, when when it comes to saying it to her face…..no balls! Except there is one bright one in the whole bunch who has actually not lied to sissy and said that she was family and then stabbed her in the back. Good for you STACY! You should teach Sarah the same thing! Because apparently she had a whole lot to say about the CRAZY, but when it came right down to it, she stabbed sissy just like the rest of them did! It’s ok though….It just goes to show who the real bully is and who is responsible for you not getting to see your sissy get married and for you not getting to see the tiny baby children grow up. She is such a bully that she has your father scared of her!! That is the funniest part.

I wake up every morning and go to bed every night, and conduct myself in the hours in between knowing that you are watching me. So, whatever guilt others are feeling by throwing some joke of a motorcycle run in your honor to give to poor unfortunate students, or by buying flowers or whatever…..that is not honoring you. Living life everyday knowing that you are watching, and doing good things everyday is honoring you. Not throwing your name up on some memorial fund or by having a website that is full of lies and altered documents and altered writings. Anyone can change something if they are the ones typing in the information. I can say that I am the Queen of England….that doesn’t make it the truth.

The love of sisters

I’m exhausted. I have been sick for so long that I just don’t know what to do anymore. Last night was a very LOOOOONG night with very little sleep. I feel like my heart is going to beat out of my chest. This is not good. Several panic attacks and another one this morning. So much going on in my head that I just don’t know how to sort it out anymore. Between the thoughts of you and worrying about your sisters and work and the dogs and gram and grandpa and Ben and everything else, I feel like I am going to lose it at anytime. I’m tired baby. Right about now I would just like to be with you. To have no worries in the world. To be young and beautiful and carefree and not have to worry or stress about anything. That sounds just about perfect right now.

if I am ever going to feel better. I had to go back to the doctor again today and now he is putting me on a different kind of medication and next time I go to see him in 2 weeks I will be tested for asthma. UGHHH!!! I will also have to go in for allergy tests and have to have an xray of my shoulder. NOT happy!

There are so many things that I wish that I could talk to you about, like I do with sissy. I know that she would give anything to have you back so you 2 could talk and text the silly things that you used to. I was laughing so hard when you guys were texting one night about the mermaids of the dolphins or whatever it was! You both definitely had a language all your own! I know that you fought like cats and dogs, but I also know that you loved each other very much.

I love you baby!

I am having a bad day, but it actually started last night. We were eating dinner and I looked over and your baby sister and for a split second I could have swore you were sitting right there with me. I did not let her see me cry, but after she got up from the table and went back to doing her thing, I cried. I never let them see me get emotional because they still do not understand why you had to leave. I have told them it was because you were sick and it was your time to go to God. I know, I shouldn’t lie to them, but they are just babies and how am I supposed to tell them that you decided that you did not want to live anymore so you took your own life. I can’t even believe it sometimes. It pains me just to say those words. Like everyone else, I am asking the question that will never get answered….WHY? Why did you leave us? Why did you think that life was not worth living and decided to leave before your time? Why do you make us go through this daily struggle when you now have no worries in the world? Why did you think we would not miss you? Why did you think that no one would notice that you were gone?

I don’t give a damn that some people think they are the only ones that are heartbroken over you being gone. Just because they spent more time with you than others did, it does not mean that our pain is any more or less than theirs. I love how people say that they will be there for other people, that they will always be FAMILY. I find it funny that they can say that, until they choose NOT to be family anymore because they cannot handle their own guilt. I find it funny that they can tell someone that they love them and then turn their backs on that person as quickly as they would stab someone in the back. It’s also funny that some people cannot take responsibility for their own actions so they choose to punish others.  We weren’t allowed to have flowers put in your casket because someone could not take responsibility for their own actions OR even for 1 day act like an adult and suck it up and be civil to your sister. One of the 3 siblings that are truly yours. We were pushed to the back of the funeral home because a certain someone could not be an adult and allow us to sit near you where we belonged. We were given dirty looks by people we don’t even know because a certain someone was running her crazy mouth off about is without even giving others the chance to talk to us. Funny how her sister and niece came and talked to us, along with her best friend. That they were all so kind and loving. Makes you wonder if they are from the same family…..until those people also turned their back on your sister after telling her that she will always be family. Well, I guess people like that deserve each other!!!

Sorry baby. Did not mean to vent. I am just frustrated (and THAT is the correct way of saying and spelling it!!) that people have hurt your sissy so bad. She has been through enough and then for those low lifes to turn their backs on her. It’s ok! She has plenty of people here who love her and would never turn their backs on her. She always has mommy and gram and brother and tiny baby children!

On another note…..we are looking at wedding stuff and having so much fun and finding some great ideas. I guess that makes me sad too because you should be here helping sissy and getting your own wedding ideas. I am looking forward to the formal ceremony, but it will be very bittersweet because you will not be here to stand next to your sister to witness her marriage…..but you will be there with us in spirit.

We love you so much and would give ANYTHING to have you back