Brittany Rebecca Helton

Happy Easter my angel! Even though we did not have the chance to spend many Easters together, I know that you loved this holiday. I hope you are up there having the greatest Easter egg hunt ever. I have no doubt that you are helping the little ones find all the eggs! You are such a good girl like that.

I miss you so much and have been thinking alot about you. I have said it before, and I will say it again…You and your sisters are my sunshine. My reason for living. The reason I have a smile on my face everyday and the reason I wake up in the morning.

I love you. Rest my angel.

 In Loving Memory~

Junior uses struggle with depression to raise awareness about suicide

By: Shea O’Meara

In April of her junior year of high school, Olivia Rowe brought a plastic bag into a hallway bathroom and tied it over her head to stop her breathing. She thought she wanted to kill herself.

“I had my hand on the stall, so if I passed out the door would open,” she said. “I realized I didn’t really want to die.”

After nearly 20 minutes of waiting in the stall, she left to seek help.

Rowe had emailed her high school guidance counselor for help earlier that year, but felt her therapy program wasn’t helping her overcome her depression quickly enough. She continued to battle depression and began cutting herself after watching an episode of Degrassi, a popular teen drama, which featured a character who struggled with cutting. Now a junior at Ithaca College, Rowe continued to struggle with cutting during her first years as a college student.

Rowe said she thinks people tend to cut themselves for two reasons: Either they have emotional pain they need to get out, or they are trying to distract themselves by thinking about physical pain instead. For her, deciding to cut came from a desire to do both.

“There was one point freshman year [at IC] that I ran laps around my building because I had all this anxious energy,” she said. “I tore up magazines to try to get it out, and nothing worked. I had always known that cutting was harmful, but I didn’t care.”

Rowe said leaving her troubles at home to go to college and having the freedom to act on her own helped her realize that she wasn’t trapped in her difficult day-to-day life.

“The thing that I got stuck with in high school was that I never really saw the better part of life,” she said. “That’s where people who contemplate suicide get stuck, because they don’t think things get better and that they’re always going to live like that.”

Now, Rowe works with the Suicide Prevention and Crisis Service of Ithaca to raise awareness about suicide and prevention in the community.

“People who are considering suicide often feel very much alone,” she said. “If you know of other people in that situation, or there are other people around who have gone through that same thing, it helps.”

According to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, every 14.2 minutes someone in the United States dies by suicide. In 2009 about 36,909 people took their own lives, 4,371 of those dead were between the ages of 15 and 24 years old.  But for Rowe, her own suicide attempt isn’t her only connection to the issue. On Aug. 4, 2010, Rowe received a phone call from the sister of her best friend, Brittany Helton, telling her that 19-year-old Brittany had killed herself. At the time, Rowe had been waiting for Helton to text her back so the friends could spend the day together.
“I didn’t know my friend had struggled with anything I had struggled with at all,” she said. “She would make anyone happy, which I found out later was one of the reasons why she didn’t tell anyone — because she felt too much pressure to act the way everyone had always seen her and to be the one who was always full of life and the one who makes everything better.”

Christie Helton, Helton’s adoptive mother, said Rowe and her daughter were like the Olsen twins growing up, “funny and carefree.” Helton was a dean’s list student in college with a family and group of friends who loved her. Helton did not fit the stereotype of a suicidal teen, Christie Helton said.

“It doesn’t just happen to kids who come from a broken home or kids that come from ‘lower class society,’ as they call it, or kids with drug problems,” Christie Helton said.

After their daughter’s death, her parents founded the Brittany Helton Memorial Foundation, an organization that promotes awareness about suicide and honors Helton’s life.

“College kids and high school students relate to younger people,” Christie Helton said. “With the work she’s doing we’re able to utilize her to get through to the kids, telling her own story and telling Brittany’s story.”

Rowe said the shock of losing her friend and standing by as Brittany’s family and friends mourned their loss helped her overcome her own thoughts of suicide.

“Watching everyone go through that pain and thinking, ‘How could she have done this?’ just turned me around,” she said.

Rowe recently developed the project “Unspoken Stories: The Tragedy of Suicide,” a series of photographs posted on Facebook that shows her struggle with losing her best friend to suicide. She said she and her colleagues at the Ithaca prevention center were inspired by a series of Tumblr blogs that told stories of people who thought they had no voice to express their personal hardships through photo strips of them holding signs.

She said the project is part of an effort to make resources more accessible to young people that includes an expanded social media presence and online chat forums.
“People don’t really call on the phone anymore and talk to people,” she said. “So how many are really going to want to call the crisis line?”

Lidia Bernik, associate project director of the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, said the lifeline has 152 crisis centers across the United States and works to connect people considering suicide to local resources. Part of this mission is a partnership with Facebook that makes it possible for users to report content they think represents signs of suicide. Facebook administrators evaluate a reported post and send the user information about the lifeline if the content is shown to warrant that action. Currently, the lifeline is running a pilot program that offers professional assistance to people by online chat.

“We feel that there is certainly a role for technology in assisting folks in need,” Bernik said. “It’s just become a very normal means of communication. There is some evidence to suggest that people feel more comfortable disclosing sensitive information via electronic means.”

Though talking about Helton makes some of her friends uncomfortable, Rowe said it’s important that her friend’s memory be preserved and used to prevent other people from making the same painful decisions.

“[My friends] don’t talk about her that much because they’re like, ‘It makes us sad to even talk about the good things,’” she said. “But it’s helpful, and I think she should be remembered.”

To learn more about Rowe’s work with suicide prevention, visit facebook.com/pages/Suicide-Prevention-and-Crisis-Services/361595137186509.

Bitty Boo, I am not even sure what to think about some of the things that have happened in the last 2 weeks. Are you trying to tell me something? Are you trying to make others see the error or they ways? Give me some kind of sign about what you want me to do.

I am having a very hard time believing that people are actually NOW asking for forgiveness after 18 long, painful months. After all the hurt that has been dished out and all the ugliness that has been displayed. What is it that you want mommy to do?  Why now? Why after so long and after all the hateful things that were done are these people now asking for forgiveness? And, the even better question is….what do they want afterward IF they do get forgiveness?

It’s funny though because even though it’s really not that important to me, I still have not been asked for forgiveness. I have not been reached out to and had those 2 words spoken to me. Granted, we were all hurt by the nasty things that were done and said after your death (even up to 2 months ago), but you were my baby and I lost you just like your father lost you. Even though you had someone in your life that was a mother figure to you, your father and I are the only ones that are involved in this that understand how the other one feels. I don’t care that you were not given the chance to be raised by me. I gave birth to you and I fought for you and the fact that you were never given the opportunity to know that really makes me angry. But that my love is in the past. It truly no longer matters anymore. All that matters is that you are not here. We are sad and we miss you. Every second of everyday. We love you so very much. Have since the day you were made.

I’ve been thinking so much about you and what you are doing to fill your days. I hope that you are spending time with your great grandparents and playing with the dogs that we had to say goodbye to over the years. I hope you are holding the babies that were taken too soon and making friends with others your age that were taken the same way you were. I hope that you are happy. I hope that you feel the freedom that you were never given and I hope that you always remember that we are here…everyday…missing you.

Keep shining down on us baby. We need you right now. More than you will ever know.

Rest in peace my sweet angel. You deserve it. I love you.

∞A Mother’s Love∞

© By Crystal Trujillo

There is no love like that of a daughter or son,

As long as you show them, you’ll be their number one.

They bring me joy, they bring me pain,

and enjoy playing in the rain…

They make me mad, they make me proud

one moment speak softly, the next so loud…

They try my nerves, they show me love

They’re my little gifts from above…

They make me shine, they make me cry

and sometimes make me ask God , “Why?”…

They’re loved so much, yet drive me crazy

so energetic, but yet so lazy…

They ride my patience, they kiss me good night

and make my heart gleam with a love so bright…

I know that they love me and I love them, too

and could never not love them, no matter what they do…

I look at some mothers, and don’t understand

what more than love could their children demand?

And yet they neglect them as they are not even there they don’t love them or praise them,

they don’t even care…

 As if they are items to be pushed to the side

How could you bear them and not feel pride?

They are part of your being. How can you not see?

What they are taught is what they will be…

 They need you to love them and show them the way,

Do it! Tomorrow is not promised today…

 No one expects you to be the parent of the year,

but the love they return is so precious and dear…

Hi baby!

I was talking to someone at work today that I have become very close to in the almost 1 month that I have been there and she had some very wise words for me. I am going to take what she said and carry it with me from here on out. I am going to live to honor you and your name, and make sure that your sisters and your brother are happy. No longer will I allow someone who means nothing to me have any power over me to make me angry. As far as I am concerned, anyone that was in your life that was on that side of the world is dead to me, including someone right here in town. I realize that what I am doing is right and everything that is being done on that side is wrong. What kind of a person honors you and wants to help others by posting legal documentation that happened almost 5 years ago. Big Deal!! I have never claimed that I did not give up parental rights to you. Once again…something that I did to make you happy. That is what you wanted, and as much as it broke my heart, I did it for you. Not for anyone else.

Regardless of what anyone says, I am the best mother I know how to be. I try my best to make all of my girls happy. I no longer allow negative, toxic people in my life nor do I allow people that mean nothing to me to get under my skin. You and your sisters are my reason for living, and I will continue to do the things that I do to make sure that one day families will not have to feel the pain that our family is going through on a daily basis.

My promise to you is to think 1 happy thought everyday. I will take a moment to send you a message and to pray for those that need it. In the end, there is only 1 person that we all have to answer to, and I will be able to answer to Him with a clear conscience.

I am going to post a daily quote from a book that I have that has truly helped me in some of my dark moments.

∞Rest in Peace sweet angel, until we meet again∞

“We are real friends now because we have been able to share some painful experiences in our private lives.” – May Sarton

I am so sad that people will not allow me to honor you in the way you deserve to be honored. I asked that you picture be put up on a facebook page and the administrator put the wrong name of it, so now it has been removed because you crazy loser stepmonster pitched a fit instead of doing what she always suggests and picking up the phone to see if that was really the way I had asked for it to be listed. I would never alter your name. You were who you were and no one can change that. NO ONE!!!

It’s ok baby. I just needed to vent for a moment because I am sure you are hearing it like gangbusters coming from the other side of the world.

∞Rest peacefully sweetheart. I love you very much.∞

I just don’t understand why our young people are choosing to end their lives and leave the rest of us behind to question why. It is so sad to me everytime I read something on Facebook or on the internet or hear something on the news about someone taking their own life. It does not solve any problems and it definitely is a permenent solution to a temporary problem. What could be so very bad in their lives that they decide to end it, and on all days….Christmas. The families of these young people will never be the same. This holiday will never be the same for them. When other people are celebrating a holiday that is supposed to bring  joy, some families will be mourning the loss of their loved one. It just is not fair to anyone that is left behind.

I miss you everyday. I hate thinking about the fact that you are never going to be here again. Never am I going to get to touch you or wrap my arms around you and tell you that everything is going to be ok.

Rest in peace angel…until we meet again. I love you.

Merry Christmas my angel. I wish that things could be different right now and that you were here with me and your sisters and brother to celebrate this holiday, but you are not and that is something that, unfortunately because of the actions of others that I have gotten used to. I hate the fact that I will never again see your beautiful smile or your sweet freckle face. I hate that when I look at your sissy I cannot take her sadness away. I wish that I could have fixed everything for you and you would be here with us right now where you belong.

For some reason, this Christmas is harder than last. I guess it is finally sinking in that you really are gone and that I will not see you pop through the front door to surprise me. I guess that is why I have not wanted to function at all these past few weeks. All I have wanted to do is crawl into my hole and not come out, but what good would that do? I still have your big sister and your baby sisters that need me. I wish that you needed me when you were here….or maybe you did and someone would not allow you to communicate with me. It’s ok. Whatever the reason, it does not matter now. All that matters is that you are at peace and can finally rest and not worry about what one person in particular is going to do or say to you next to make you feel the way you did 16 months ago.

I love you very much. Always have. Rest in peace my sweetheart. You deserve it. You are missed so very much and we would do anything to have you back with us. ∞

Merry Christmas!

Hi baby! It’s Christmas Eve and I am at work but I am thinking about you and how you should be here with your sisters and brother to celebrate the holiday with us. We all miss you so much. I was just talking to someone that I work with about you and how you always seem to know when I need a sign from you. You are always so good about that! I love it when I get those from you. It just seems to make everything better, at least for a short time anyway.

Rest in peace sweetheart. I love you and miss you every second of every day!

once again we had another birthday without you. Your little sister turned 12 last week and we had her birthday party over the weekend. I can’t believe how big they are getting. They get more and more beautiful every day, just like you and Ashley.

I’ve been thinking about you a lot and wishing you were here. I used to love this time of year, but now it just makes me sad. It took everything I had to put all the Christmas stuff up this year. I was just thinking about this time of year last year and how it was still so fresh that you were actually gone. That all seems like a distant memory at times and other times it feels like we are back to last year. People ask how I am and I say that I’m ‘OK’. I tell them that I have my good days and my bad days.

I love you very much. Rest in peace sweetheart.