Brittany Rebecca Helton

and I blame myself for the fact that you were mixed up in all of it! I promise that I will make it up to you some day…..

Always remember…..You and your sisters are my sunshine, and I will always always love each and every one of you…..

You were born to me, and NO ONE can take that away from us my sweet baby girl

Sisters, brother and I sat around last night and painted christmas things and had a family dinner and you were missing. You should have been there with us, not where you were or where you are now.

My heart breaks everyday. Poor Ben….he must think that I have gone off the deep end, with the breakdowns that I have. I still see your beautiful face in every thought that I have. I still can hear you laughing and giggling with your sister and whispering to each other when you were supposed to be going to bed. Sometimes I can’t even look at your pictures. It hurts so bad knowing that you will never be here again. I will never get to hear that laugh or hear you and your sister together. I will never get to read the funny text messages that you two would send back and forth to each other.

What makes me the most sad is that your sisters will never get to have a life with you. The little ones needed you to look up to as a role model, and Ashley, well, she just needed her little sister to be here for her. Who will be the most important person to her at the wedding now (besides Jeff of course)? Who will help her do all the things that a sister is supposed to help with? We will have a spot at the table for you.

Ben and I were talking the other day about our worst days, and honey, I would gladly trade my worst day with anyone else’s worst day. My worst day? August 4th, 2010. The day I got the phone call from your sister (because your dad was too ‘in shock’ to call….whatev) and to hear her voice. It was like she was a little girl all over again. She had to be the one to tell me that you were no longer here. That you left us. I replay that call everyday in my head. I wish it would go away and I wish you would come home to me and your sisters.

I am so excited that I found more pictures of you and your sister, also the ones that we had taken when you were here for your 12th birthday! I was so excited! Its the ones of all of my girls together! My 4 babies all in one picture! I also found ones of you and sissy when you were just about 2 years old! Pictures that certain people don’t have.

I also have your baby book! I looked through it the other day and it made me smile and it made me cry. It brought back so many memories of that day and the times that we had together. Those memories mean so very much to me. Who cares that we did not have alot of time together due to certain individuals not abiding by the court order….we have our memories and no one can take those away from us! The memories of you and sissy playing with your toys on Christmas morning and you sitting on the floor with grandpa playing with your barbies!

It’s all good baby….everything is going to be all good! Just ignore the bad, and focus on the good!

Rest my sweetheart!

I love you so very much!!

Hi baby~

I saw my friend Marley last night who is this amazing singer with a voice from heaven. Right after you died, before your sister and I left Vegas for your funeral, we went to see Marley sing. She sang the most beautiful song and she dedicated it to me for you. Everytime I hear it I get teary eyed. It’s so beautiful and it is definitely for you. Anyway, last night she gave me a CD with the song on it so I can listen to it whenever I want to. You would have loved her. She is gorgeous both inside and out.

I am going to make new wedding announcements for sissy because 1) there are some names that need to be removed, and 2) there are some ridiculous punctuation errors on it (no wonder, right? Considering who wrote them). I think that will be my next big project. Sissy and I also have to start planning for the wedding after the holidays are over. I am so excited for it, but so sad too because you will not be here like you were supposed to. We were all supposed to celebrate together and dance and laugh and drink and have a great time. Mom and all her girls were supposed to be together on that happy day, but now we will be missing one girl. One very special girl. We will say a prayer for you and save a seat for you at the table, right next to your sister…where you belong.

We will never get to do that at your wedding…dance and laugh and have a good time. We were going to do that and now that you are gone, I can only fantasize about what you would have looked like in your wedding dress. I can only imagine helping you with your hair and makeup and putting your veil on you. I will never get to be ‘the mother of the bride’ at your wedding and I will never get to see your first dance with your husband.

Christmas is 9 days away, and you have been gone 135 days. All I want to do is count backwards to August 4th. Actually, I want to go back to August 3rd…..and stop time…

I love you my girl!

Love~Mom

Thank you for coming into my dream last night! It was so nice to see you and to hold you again! You had the most beautiful smile on your face and you sat with me and we laughed and decorated the christmas tree. It was so nice to have you there with me, where you belong. I think that its time that I hang your stocking up. I think that I am at the point that I can do that. Right now it just sits on the chair in my bedroom and I touch it everyday. It brings me joy thinking back to that christmas that you were here after sissy was born. It really was one of the best times for me. You looked so happy. I should have kept you after seeing the condition that you arrived in and the minimal amount of things that you showed up with in your suitcase. Who sends a child somewhere in the winter time with summer clothes, that reeked of smoke. Poor thing. We had to go shopping just to get you clothes for the time that you were here with us. You and Sissy had such a great time and the entire family was so happy to have you here with us where you should have been all along.

When I told Grandma Trudi about you, she cried and cried. I think that her heart is broken now. She has been in and out of the hospital over the past few weeks. Please watch over here and keep her well. She could really use you right now. Also, watch over Grandpa Mike, as he is traveling and we need him to be safe. Our family cannot take any more losses.

I love you dearly my sweet BRITTANY. Rest in peace for now my baby. We will see each other again one day!

Love you~

Mom

and always will. No matter what is said about me and the things that you have been told. I WILL ALWAYS BE YOUR MOTHER AND I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU. No one will ever be able to take that away from me. Even Brett said it to me on more than one occasion. He understands what is going on and he knows what the truth is. Sister told him as well. He is a good boy and I want to help him. He loved you so that means that I love him.

Always remember baby girl, on that day 3rd day of July 1991, it was you and me against the world. No one will ever be able to take that away from me.  After all the issues throughout the pregnancy and delivery, I would do it all over again. You were my little firework, and you always will be.

Just remember….you, me and the sisters. Always. Us 5 girls!