Brittany Rebecca Helton

I miss you so much. I don’t give a shit what some people might say that you were not with us or that you ‘hated’ me. I know it’s not true. I know that we may have had our issues, and that you were struggling with things, but we always loved each other. No matter what, you are my daughter and I am your mother. I hate the some people act as if they are the only ones that miss you. That they think they are the only ones that are never going to get to see you again. That they are the only ones that don’t think they will make it through a day without breaking down. I have those thoughts EVERY day. There are days when I just don’t want to wake up. Days where I just don’t want to get out of bed and even try to think about being a functioning member of society. I don’t have a choice. I have to do it for you and your sisters. As much as I miss you, you are gone and they are still here. I have to carry on for them. I have to be a mom to them because I can’t be a mom to you any longer. Maybe other people should realize that there are others that need them as well and that they should actually act like an adult and try to focus on the ones that are still here and the ones that need them.

I have been thinking about your father a lot lately and wondering how he is handling everything. Not that he deserves a minute of my time, but there was a moment in time that we cared enough about each other to actually make the beauty that you were. He must be putting up a good front for the crazy one. She must be making him bonkers….which would not take much. There are times that I feel sorry for him and I think that I should reach out to him, but would not even know how to go about doing it since the crazy had all the phone numbers changed. I know what he is going through because I am going through the same thing, the only difference is that you were his ONLY child. That does not mean the pain is any less than what I am feeling.

I miss you so so much! One day when we meet again, you are going to have to explain to me what was going on. If you want to. I cannot keep racking my brain trying to figure out why you did what you did. I am pretty sure I know why, and I understand. I just wish you would have said something to your sissy when you talked to her the night before. She said that everything was fine. I guess it really is now.

Rest my sweet angel

Thanks for the rain baby girl! We needed it. I have been so sick and can’t seem to shake it. It’s been about 6 weeks since I first got sick and have been back and forth to the doctors probably 6 times in that 6 weeks. It started as a viral infection in my respiratory tract, then turned into bronchitis!! UGHHH!! I have never been so sick before….well, not physically anyway. I have been heartbroken since before August 4th. I miss you and think of you everyday.

There are some things coming up soon and I am a bit anxious about what is going to happen.

I love you and miss you everyday!

Today is Valentine’s Day, and while I feel that my life is pretty much back on track, I cannot help but think about you every second of every day. I don’t care that I don’t have your things surrounding me. I don’t care that I can’t walk into your bedroom and touch the things that meant the most to you. All I care about is that I have you in my thoughts and in my heart. You and your sisters are my purpose for living and for loving, but I feel like a piece of me is gone every time I think about you. I have your pictures all around me, just like I always have. I can see your face when I look at your tiniest sister. She looks so much like you. It makes me feel as though you are here with us still. I know that she is not you, and I would never put that on her, but I cannot help but see you in her every time I look at her. I have always thought that she was a mini you. I wish you had the chance to get to know both of your baby sisters. They are such amazing little people. So loving and so beautiful.

I adore you. I still cannot believe that you are gone. I think its ridiculous that people think they are the only ones that are suffering because you are no longer with us. People act as if they are the only ones with broken hearts and heads that are full of thoughts of you. If only that were true. If only the ones that were responsible for you no longer being here were the only ones that were suffering then all would be right in the world. Unfortunately, that is not the case.

2011 – Stacey’s Speech at the Community Walk from John on Vimeo.

I really wish that people would practice what they preach baby! I find it funny that people can say that they are honest to the core, when they have really told so many lies and have not been honest with the people around them. You know who I am talking about, and so does everyone else. Perhaps if people would be more honest, then you would still be alive and I would not have to write to you on this blog. I would actually be able to talk to you in person.

I love you and miss you so so much!

Brittany, thank you so much for the great weather yesterday. Well, after my speech that is. The weather to start the day was not that great, but after I spoke, and we released the doves, your light shone through. It was such a great day and so many special people turned out for the walk. There were so many tears and so many laughs. I know you were there watching over us and made sure that everything went well. We raised almost $6300 and we are still rallying for more donations. I already have all sorts of ideas for next years walk, and we are hoping that we will have even more people at the walk.

And, there was absolutely NO drama!! The one person that I was worried about showing up did not even bother. I guess it just goes to show how much she really loved and cared about you. But you know baby, it’s ok….the important people were there, and you would have loved each and every one of them!

You must have known that I was worried about Ben yesterday. You made a visit to him on his way to work with that little sign that you like to give me. His mileage turned over on his Elkie to 888088 and just at that same time, a truck drove by him with a license plate that have 88088 on it. It’s nice to know that you are watching over the ones that you did not even know just because they are special to me.

I have been so sick and trying to kick this virus before the walk on Saturday. It’s supposed to be cold here, but I hope the wind dies down. At least that way it will not be unbearable. I don’t care. I will go out there if it’s snowing and I am the only one there. I have some important words to say and there are a lot of people that need to hear them.

We got the shirts today and they are beautiful. I hope that you like them. Our cousin Chrissy is going to get the balloons ready while the rest of us are walking since she is not feeling well. It should be interesting to see where they end up. So far we have about 30 people coming out for our team. People that did not know you, but want to honor you and want to do something good for someone else.

I love you sweetheart. Not a second of the day goes by that I don’t think about you and your beautiful freckle face.

Hi baby, I am so sick right now. I finally went to the doctor yesterday, and I have all kinds of crazy stuff going on, but I will get over it, but I am so excited and honored about an e mail that I got this morning. Jessica, the coordinator for the walk sent me an e mail this morning that almost brought me to tears. I cannot believe that the walk is only a little over a week away. I feel better that she told me that if Teresa even tried to start anything that her people would take care of everything. I certainly hope that she is adult enough to NOT do anything. We are there to honor you and others who we have lost to suicide, not to cause drama. I hope she does not cause any issues, but you, and everyone else knows how she is. Let’s hope that she can refrain from acting like a child. Please look over all of us and be our angel.

The shirts should be done this week! I am so excited to see them. My friend’s husband is doing them for us and they are not going to charge us for them. That is so sweet of them. I am so thankful to have people like that in our lives. You would have loved Jill. She and I went to Jr High together. She is so funny!!!

I love you sweetheart!

I have been traveling so much for work baby, and I just got home today. I’ve missed your sisters and Ben and the dogs so much. My mind is on you and as the walk gets closer (only 2 weeks away) I have found that I am thinking of you more and more. It’s just CRAZY how the time has flown by. I am also excited to see you sissy and Jeff in 2 weeks. I just wish that we were not doing the walk because you are gone. I wish that it was something that WE ALL were doing together, as a contribution to the community. Instead, you are not here, and we are walking in your honor and with your memories consuming us. I have been asked to do something, and it was a great honor to me. I am doing it for you, to get your story out. I will let you know how it goes! I am both nervous and excited, and sissy is going to help me. I truly do not know what I would do without her and your little sisters. You all mean the world to me. They are and always have been (you are included in that) my main focus. No matter what was going on in life, I knew that I always had 4 beautiful daughters that I could be proud of. The 4 of you shined light in my life, and continue to do so.

You know, you may not have been with me at the time that you died, but that does not change the fact that I hurt just as much as others. There is no level of pain that someone else feels that is more or less than the pain that I am feeling. I missed you when you were alive, and I miss you now that you are gone. I loved you when you were alive, and I love you still even though you are gone. You were never any different than any of the other girls. YOU are MY daughter just like your sisters. I gave birth to all of you, and no one can ever take that away from me.

I adore you!

is what I am going to do baby. I refuse to let some uneducated country bumpkin get to me as if she meant something to me. WHATEVS!!! Say what you want to say about me, but anyone who is important to me knows what the truth is. They know who the bi polar one is and who the one is that NEEDS the medication, and it certainly is NOT me. This will be THE LAST time that CRAZY occupies any real estate on this page. She does not deserve it.

Let’s discuss the picture thing and the fact that I am ‘Stealing’ pictures from a public domain website! First of all, if you put it up on the worldwide web, anyone can do anything they want with it, so therefore, it is not stealing. Even if you do put some lame joke of ‘legal’ jargon at the bottom. Show me your copyright paperwork. Even then….Hello Pot, this is the Kettle……there is a picture on that joke of a website that is from the day you were born…….SHE was not even there that day…..She feels so guilty about you dying while she was napping that she feels the need to make up for it by putting up a picture of the day you were born. I hope that she knows this….I was there when you were brought into this world, and she was napping when you left this world.

As for me calling you ‘bad names’, you know that is not true, but how about the fact that your sister overheard a certain CRAZY calling you the ‘C U Next Tuesday’ word while she was on the phone with someone one day and did not know that your sister was standing right there!!! That is the most disgusting word that anyone can call another person, but it does not surprise me coming from someone like that. That just shows the level of education. I am SOOOOO glad that you did not pick up her horrible habits. AND, if she does not care about your sister, than why is there a picture of her and you on her stupid website.

I am soooo sorry that you had to live with that for as long as you did. I know that you saw what was going on before you left us, and I know that you are seeing what is going on now. Shed light for those that need help seeing the truth, and know that we will love you and miss you forever. We will honor your life and continue to cherish the time we had with you.