It has been quite some time since I have written. Life has been crazy busy with all the planning for the 2015 Out of the Darkness Walk. What a HUGE success it was! Almost 1100 participants and nearly $63000 raised in donations and still more money coming in.

We were invited to the City Council Meeting where we were presented with an award from the City for all of the work we are doing for suicide prevention. We are so close to finally receiving our charter. So many good things are happening. I wish that we did not have to do all of this, but you have made all of these things happen. You are doing more good than you know. If only you knew how much you were loved and what a good person you were when you were here, we would not have to do all of this now.

I will write more later.

I love you. I miss you everyday. You are missing so much, but then again, you are probably not.

A few weeks ago I had a dream that I swear was the most realistic one I have ever had and I can remember it so clearly. I could see your beautiful face. That smile. I could touch you and hold you. You were here, but it was the past, but you knew that I was in the future. You were asking me a lot of questions, then you asked me what your life was going to be like in the future. As much as I tried to warn you without coming right out and saying that you were going to die an early age, and that you were going to die of your own doing (not that I believe that….you know who I hold responsible for your death) I just could not bring myself to tell you, but somehow you knew and you wanted me to tell you and you wanted me to be ok with it. Well little girl, I am definitely NOT ok with it. I will never be ok with it. I will never be ok with the fact that a crazy woman took your life away from you and from me and from your sisters and your grandparents. I am not ok with the fact that this crazy person seems to think that it’s ok to blame everyone else except herself for what happened to you…..for pushing you over the edge and doing what you did, or what she did to you. I am not ok with the fact that this crazy person seems to forget that she is not the only person on the face of the earth that misses you.

Try as anyone may, we know who you loved and who you cherished. We know where your loyalties were and YOU, above everyone else knows who your family is. Certainly not that hillbilly loser uneducated group that thinks they are your family.

And, I know you find it just as funny as I do that she seems to think that she is so much smarter than everyone else. That she thinks a website that belongs to ME is social media! And that she thinks she is changing the world and acting as if she is helping prevent suicide. She has not done a quarter of the work that I have done to honor your memory and to advocate and educate and spread the word about suicide and the prevention of this terrible tragedy.

I love you my sweet chunky monkey. Always have. Always will. I know you are looking down on us and seeing everything that EVERYone is doing. Rest in peace knowing that you can never be hurt by the crazy woman ever again.

Thank you for continuing to send me signs that you are present in our lives.

Happy 23rd birthday to my precious angel! I hope that you party like a ROCK STAR up there with everyone that we love so much!!

I love you and miss you more than you will ever ever know!!!

We sent luminaries your way to let you know that we are always thinking of you.

There are so many things that make me think of you. I look at your little sister, and the way she smiles or the expressions on her face and BAM…..there you are, all over again. I see someone with the same name, spelled the same way and BAM. I see things that your friends post on Facebook about other young people who are dying to soon and I pray that they did not take their lives like you did. I pray that they had people they could have leaned on in their dark times.

A very old friend of mine from when we lived in Colorado sent me some pictures of you when you were so very young. You were the fattest baby ever!!! I loved that about you. When you were happy. It pisses me off that some crazy bitch took that happiness from you. That I could not help you or save you from that. That you would not let anyone help you. That you did not reach out to anyone and tell them what you were going through. That she THINKS she was your mother. What a joke. What kind of a mother makes their children feel like she made you feel, and your sister also for that matter? What kind of a crazy bitch disregards her own children for someone that she did not give birth to, but acts like she did? What kind of a mother would lie to her ‘children’ so she can make herself look better? I really hope that one day someone tells her just how crazy she really is!! Everyone is so afraid to tell her the truth and they just stroke her ego to make her feel better. They are afraid she will explode. She is a sad little person.

I love you my sweet girl. I hope that you are resting. Getting the rest you needed while you were here. I hope that you are taking care of all the babies and animals up there. I miss you everyday.

and you are still gone…..that sucks. I hate having to deal with the holidays and they seem to be taking a toll on me. I have noticed that I just don’t seem to care anymore. I used to love getting everything ready and shopping throughout the year….even if I knew that you were not going to come out like you were supposed to. Your father never held up his end of the court order and quite honestly, I was too tired to fight it any longer. Those people exhausted me. I just had no fight left in me….probably much like you felt on August 4th, 2010.

I found this year that I tried to be a little more cheerful, but it was not easy. All I wanted to do was to crawl back into bed and sleep until the next day.

I love you and miss you so very much. I wonder constantly what you would be doing if you were here. I wonder what you would look like…where you would be….what you would be doing for work and what you would be doing in college. I think about what your children would look like and what kind of a mom you would be. I would hope that you would NOT be like your step monster. I hope that you would be a loving, caring mom…..I have no doubt that you would have.

International Survivors of Suicide Day

Every year, survivors of suicide loss gather together in locations around the world to feel a sense of community, to promote healing, and to connect with others who have had similar experiences. This year, join us for International Survivors of Suicide Day on Saturday, November 23, 2013.

Each location welcomes survivors of suicide loss, providing a safe and healing space where everyone can comfortably participate in a way that is meaningful to them. Join with others to listen to a diverse group of survivors discuss their losses, how they coped, and much more.

Come in person to experience the powerful sense of connection and community that is forged between survivors of suicide loss. You are not alone. This day is for you.

To find an event location in your area, click HERE.

So baby girl, apparently the stupidity continues. People say that they others should take responsibility for they actions and that other people bring things on themselves, but will never ever realize that THEY are the reason why you are no longer with us. THEY are the ones that were taking a nap and mowing the fucking lawn while you were struggling and ending your own life. But of course because they think they are perfect, they must deflect their guilt so that everyone thinks they are the model parents. Sure, I made mistakes and I am not proud of some of the things that I did, like marrying your loser cheating father, but if I had not, I never would have had you. I never would have carried you for 10 months and I never would have given birth to you. You never would have been a mini me, and I am sure that killed her every time she looked at you. She could not stand the fact that you looked just like me and that is most likely the reason why she treated you as poorly as she did. It really is sad that she had to take another woman’s child because she could not have anymore of her own.

Now she feels the need to continue with the drama and post horrible things about your sister. Maybe you were angry with her and maybe you felt the need to write personal PRIVATE thoughts that you were having, but that does not give the step monster the right to post them for everyone to read. We all have a right to our thoughts and feelings and for her to post them is just descicrating you and the person that you are. Sisters fight with each other, but in the end, no one should know of the personal thoughts that we have about the other person. It just shows how small of a human being she really is to go and post your private thoughts…but then again, we always knew how small of a person she was. That is why you did what you did.

I know that you were so afraid of her and her treatment of you. I just wish you would have reached out to us. We would have had you out of there in a heartbeat. You never would have had to deal with that monster again. She never deserved your love, but I know that you never truly gave it to her either. It’s just too bad that she has to post things that she probably wrote herself because she wants to make everyone else look bad and make herself look good because of her guilty feelings. Lazy ass bitch sleeping on the couch while my daughter is ending her own life because of of your torture.

So funny that I am blamed for causing all the drama. So funny that I am accused of continuing the drama after 3 years. The fact that she cannot let go of anything is just truly sad. The fact that she continues to stir drama and thinks that anyone cares is hilarious. The fact that they had to move all the way to S Carolina to escape their own guilt is laughable. The fact that she has to make up stories about people driving 12 hours to see them on your anniversary is just sad. She wants everyone to have the spotlight on her and does not realize that it is NOT ABOUT HER! It never was. It is and always has been about you and the fact that you took your own life to escape her torment and torture. When will she realize that NO ONE cares about her and no one wants to hear her sob stories any more. She needs to go wallow in her own sorrows somewhere else. Maybe if she had not been such an evil sorry excuse for a human being, then she would not have to feel guilty for being the one that killed you.

Read away Christine Helton. I am not afraid of you. No one is afraid of you. The only person that was is no longer here all because of you. YOU are the reason MY daughter is dead. YOU are the reason that she had to keep 2 journals, one with lies about how much she loved you and one with the truth. You sad sad little woman. You will never be half the mother that I am.

Today, all around the world, people will be lighting candles for the ones they have lost to the tragedy of suicide. I too will be lighting a candle, like I do often for the memory of my sweet daughter Brittany Rebecca, whom died by suicide on August 4, 2010. A day that I will never forget. A day that is etched in my brain and in my heart forever. A day that changed me and my way of looking at things and thinking about things. A day that made me change how I handle situations and people. I no longer allow the drama that was brought on by her father and step monster to enter my life. Brittany had 3 siblings, and that was all. She had 3 sisters….Ashley, Sheridan and Tristann. They were her only blood, along with her father and me. A woman can claim to be someone’s mother all they want. Just because her name is on a birth certificate does not make her that child’s mother. Carrying a child and giving birth to a child and nurturing and loving a child makes a woman a mother. I am, and will always be Brittany’s mother. No one else will ever be able to claim that. Brittany did what she did because of an evil woman that called herself Brittany’s mother. She had no other way of getting away from the torture and evil that was called MOM except to leave this world. I am not angry at my daughter, but at the woman that took my precious daughter from me. A woman that claimed to be a caring, loving mother. A mother that supposedly raised 2 boys that tormented my daughter. One of the boys who is a sexual deviant. One boy that they allow to get away with doing disgusting things to my daughter and did nothing about it. YOU should be ashamed to even call yourself a mother.

Today, being World Suicide Prevention Day, I will light a candle for my sweet angel that watches over me everyday, and for all the other lost angels that were battling something so strong that they felt the need to no longer fight.

Rest in peace to all the angels that watch over us everyday. All the angels that we lost too soon.

I love you my little itty bitty. You are and will always be MY daughter. You are my angel….my sunshine, just like your SISTERS.

3 years ago today my beautiful angel decided that it was time for her to leave this earth, leave the pain that she was subject to and leave the ugliness that she had to live with everyday in order to be free. Now, 3 years later, she is still free.

It is just too bad that others cannot realize that it is time to let go of the ugliness and just let my daughter rest in peace. People can spew their ugly words all they want. They can deflect their guilt and point the blame on others, but in reality, they know what the truth is and they know why Brittany did what she did. Blame needs to be placed where it belongs, and the lies should be left in their own heads. People are going to believe what they want to believe, but the only one that really knows ALL the truth can no longer stand up for herself.

Today, I will honor the life of my daughter and not focus on the ugliness of others. It’s sad that they have to continue to act they way they do. They are the ones that have to lay in the bed they made. We all make our own decisions in life, and we must life with the choices we make.

Rest in peace my sweet angel…you can no longer be tortured, abused or made to feel like you do not deserve to be here. I love you so very much.

While I was in Washington DC in June, the morning that we were on Capitol Hill, I received a message from an old friend of mine that one of her friend’s children had died by suicide, then I received a text from your friend Abby telling me that she had just found out that a young girl (13) in her community had died by suicide as well that day. It saddened me and I thought about you, and it made me realize even more than ever that I was in the place I was to do something GOOD for people, and to honor you.

When we returned home, we received a follow up e mail from the AFSP staff with 2 personal stories attached. I read both of them, then closed the e mail. For some reason, a few days later, I went back to re read the story from the person from PA. He made mention that on the day we were on the Hill, he had received a message regarding a young girl in his community that had died by suicide. I had to read it again, then I reached out to Abby to ask her what the young girl’s name was that she messaged me about that day. I sent an email to the representative from PA and let him know that I too had received a message that day about a young girl in PA that had died by suicide. I gave him the name and asked if it was the same person. There were some issues with e mails not going back and forth, so it took a few days to respond, but when he did, this is what I received:

Oh, my.
First, yes, the person is one and the same. And, the part that I didn’t know at the time, is that her aunt lives just 2 houses over from me.
Also I seem to recall Brittany’s story. What last name did she go by? I believe my daughter knew her.

I responded to him and once again, this was his reply:
YES, once and the same. After her passing, there were 2 teams who came to the walk, one from Lycoming and the other consisting of various members of the family. Were you there too? A number of folks returned this past year when we moved from Penn College to Indian Park.

 My heart skipped several beats during those e mail exchanges. I traveled 3000 miles to lobby for Suicide Prevention reform and you were there the entire time. I should have known. You always seem to be with me when I need you the most.

Rest in peace my sweet angel….I love you