Brittany Rebecca Helton

I seem to be struggling with things right now. Especially with dealing with the fact that you are gone. That we are never going to see you again, and the fact that life goes on without you. I struggle with the fact that people tell lies about me and about sissy and that people actually believe those lies. I struggle with the fact that people apologize to people, but NOT to the people they need to be apologizing to. It’s not fair that you truly never knew how much I love you. It’s not fair that you were taken from me, and as hard and as long as I fought, I still lost you. I HATE feeling like I am losing control…and my mind.

So, yesterday was Mother’s Day, and I was expecting a miracle….hoping that this nightmare was really not real, but it is. I was hoping to hear your voice or see you standing at my front door, but you weren’t. I look at your beautiful face everyday in the pictures I have around the house and on my desk at work, and just wish and pray that I could see you again and hold you and never let go. One day I hope to wake from this horrible dream and have all of my babies together again.

Thank you for the rain today. We need it. I love you…..

So, Mother’s Day is coming up in a few days, and I hope that you send me some kind of a sign to let me know that you are with us. I would love that so very much. I hate the thought of never being able to spend a Mother’s Day with you. I know that if you were still here, that this would have been the year that you and I would finally have some type of communication and start to work on getting our relationship where it should have been. If it had been there, you would not be gone now.

Sister, brother and baby sisters sent me flowers and I got them today at work. They are absolutely beautiful and so thoughtful. This is the first time that I have ever received flowers for Mother’s Day and it made me so happy. I am going to leave them on my desk until tomorrow and then I am going to take them home so I can look at them all weekend! When I look at them, I will think about ALL my babies. I know that you are here with us and that you will be.

I love you very much and I hope that you are able to do everything that you always wanted to do before you were taken from us. I know that you must feel so happy and free now. Free from the craziness that you had to deal with while living in THAT house with THAT woman. I know that you are finally feeling a sense of relief that you no longer have to deal with what she was constantly doing to you. I am so happy that you are able to at least have a little peace. I know that you will not be completely at rest with peace until she admits what she has done to not only you, but to sister, brother and gram. I really don’t care what she did to me, but the fact that she hurt all of makes me so angry. All I can do for is now is to pray for her that she is forgiven by God, and does not end up where she belongs….standing aside Osama bin Laden, because THAT is how evil she truly is.

I love you my sweet angel, and I think of you constantly.

So many changes in the world. Did you see the royal wedding? It was amazingly beautiful and the princess looked stunning. Then, finally justice was served in the way of a big ass raid on Osama Bin Laden and now all the people that died for no reason can finally rest in peace. I know that you are comforting each of them, and helping with whatever you can help with. I hope that you all had a huge party to celebrate their souls finally being able to rest. At least they will never have to worry about him showing up where you all are. There is a special place in HELL for him, and it’s right next to Sadam, Hitler and all the other sick demented animals that have ever harmed someone.  And you know who else will be there as well.

There are so many things that you are going to miss. So many good things that are going to happen in the world and I know that you will be able to see them, but you will never be able to experience them and be a part of that history. It’s sad that these things are going to happen and you will not be a part of it. Especially the things that are going to happen in your sisters lives. Sheridan is going to middle school this next school year. Ashley and Jeff are going to have their formal wedding and you were supposed to be a part of it. They will one day have children and you are going to miss it. Your little sisters will graduate from high school and you will not be here to attend it.

I miss you so much. I miss when you were a baby and you were so sweet and loving. I miss your smile and your little girl laugh. I miss how sweet you were and how absolutely adorable you were. I just miss you.

And…I love you…

I had a rough night last night. I have been thinking about you so much and I miss you everyday. I hate that you are gone. I would give anything to have you back again. All I want to do is lay down next to you and never let you go again. I love you so much and I hate the fact that I have to put on a fake smile everything I am having a bad day. I feel like I can’t talk to people about it because I feel like most people are tired of hearing about it all the time. I can talk to gram. She understands, or tries to. She is a good person for me to talk to. She misses you too, so very much. I don’t like talking to sissy about it because I know how much it hurts her that you are gone. I don’t want to upset her and I just want her to be happy. So, most of the time, I just keep it inside and don’t say anything. I cry in the shower, with the lights off. I cry in the car when no one is with me.

I love you baby….

So, yesterday was Easter. Nothing eventful really. Sissy and brother are here and we did Easter with them in the morning, then the baby sisters came over in the afternoon and we did Easter with them. It was a nice day. Quiet. I am just so tired.

Sissy gave me my birthday present. It is the most beautiful mother’s necklace I have ever seen. I absolutely love it! It has all of your names on it and then a tree and all of your birth stones. It was specially made for me and your sissy put so much thought and time in to what she wanted to get for me. It is so beautiful.

I have been thinking about you more lately than usual. We were doing our Sunday night thing (watching a movie with the little sisters) and at the end of the movie, the parents were reunited with the daughter that was taken from them 18 years before. I made me cry and think about you and that I will never get to hold you like that ever again. I will never get to see your face and tell you how much I love you.

Your sissy and brother will be leaving today, but will be  back in a few weeks. Brother is being deployed for 6 months and I know that sister is going to have a hard time with that, so we need a little extra attention and love from you for her during that time.

Also, thank you for watching over Michael. You know that he was in a bad accident last week and he survived it…Thank you for that. Our family has already been through enough tragedy that I am not sure if we would be able to endure any more. We really need you to watch over us and make sure that we are all safe. I know that it’s a tall order, but if anyone can do it, you can.

I love you so very much and I know that one day we will be together again and NO ONE will be able to take us away from each other ever again!

2 teenage girls in Minnesota committed suicide over the weekend as part of a suicide pact

A very sad story was on TV this morning about 2 14 year old girls who committed suicide together. They were so young, just like you. Please take care of them and let them know that they will be ok. All the details of the 2 girls are not knows regarding whether they were bullied or not, but they were unhappy, according to their family. It is so sad that not one, but 2 families have to deal with all of this heart ache. It has been almost 9 months and my heart still breaks on a daily basis when I think about you. I think about how beautiful and intelligent and loving you were. I think about you and your sisters and how happy you made them. They miss you, and I do too. I know that we all miss you so very much and would give anything to have you back with us.

Also, look over the parents and the family members of these 2 little girls. They are going to have a very hard time right now and for quite some time, and you know what that’s like. You can help the girls and keep them safe. You are not just our angel, but you are everyone’s angel.

Easter is coming soon and your sissy and brother will be here for the weekend. I am excited to see them, even though I am sure it will be a crazy busy weekend. We wish you could be here with us.

We love you so very much sweetheart. I know that you have found peace, and I hope that I find it one day as well. I am getting there….day by day.

Thank you so much for watching over me. I appreciate more than you will ever know. The BS drama has stopped (as far as I am concerned) from the CRAZY one in PA. You must have really gotten to her for what she was doing. The things that she was saying were completely out of line and she really needs to get herself some help. Even now that you are gone, she is STILL obsessed with you. I feel sorry for Wesley! He seems to be the only ‘normal’ one in that house. I hope he escapes too before he ends up with the same fate that you had.

We miss you so much. Tomorrow is sister’s birthday and you are not here to call her and sing to her. You are not here to send her a message on facebook or text her and tell her Happy Birthday. I’m so sad for her. She misses you so much and sometimes I think she does not know what to do without you. Please continue to watch over her. She needs you and if this is the only way that you can be with her, then please don’t leave her again.

I love you so much. I have been thinking about you alot and wish that I could turn back time to August 3rd. I wish that you would have called me or messaged me to let me know how you were feeling. I would have come to get you with no questions asked. I would have helped you get out of that crazy house and bring you here where you should have been all along. At least you would still be alive. There are so many people here who love you and would love to have you back.

I know that you can see them, but you should SEE how big your baby sisters are getting! Sheridan is getting ready to go into middle school! Can you believe it? Remember when she was born. You were such the good big sissy. Always wanting to help with her and wanting to hold her and play with her, even though she was only 2 weeks old! You used to say to me ‘Mommy, where’s the baby? Mommy, can I feed the baby? Mommy, can I hold the baby?’ I think you would have been happy that Christmas with just your baby sister. And then there is Tee. She is getting so big, and the bigger she gets, the more she looks like you. It’s like you are still here with us, but in her. She is such a funny little girl. Very Random! Much like you!! She will just start talking about things that no one was talking about. It makes me laugh sometimes.

Thank GOD for all of your sisters. Without them, I would have just dug a hole next to you and would have gone with you. Some days, I am surprised I am still here. Seeing them everyday definitely is a reason for me to keep on going. That is all I can do.

Rest my sweetheart. I love you…always have, always will

Hey baby, I’m in a bit of a funk today and I am sure that it has to do with all the depression I have felt for the past 8 months. I have my good days, but then I have days like this where I don’t want to function at all. I feel lost and I feel as though a part of me died with you died. I never imagined that any of my children would die before me, and then you did. I never imagined that I would have to talk to people about suicide and that we lost you because of it, but I do. I get a little hesitant when people ask me about how you died, but then I tell them. All they can say is ‘I’m sorry’. It’s not their fault. It’s what you felt you had to do. I hate it, but ultimately it was your decision and no one can change that.

I miss you so much and sometimes I feel like I am going to die from a broken heart.