Brittany Rebecca Helton

3 years ago today my beautiful angel decided that it was time for her to leave this earth, leave the pain that she was subject to and leave the ugliness that she had to live with everyday in order to be free. Now, 3 years later, she is still free.

It is just too bad that others cannot realize that it is time to let go of the ugliness and just let my daughter rest in peace. People can spew their ugly words all they want. They can deflect their guilt and point the blame on others, but in reality, they know what the truth is and they know why Brittany did what she did. Blame needs to be placed where it belongs, and the lies should be left in their own heads. People are going to believe what they want to believe, but the only one that really knows ALL the truth can no longer stand up for herself.

Today, I will honor the life of my daughter and not focus on the ugliness of others. It’s sad that they have to continue to act they way they do. They are the ones that have to lay in the bed they made. We all make our own decisions in life, and we must life with the choices we make.

Rest in peace my sweet angel…you can no longer be tortured, abused or made to feel like you do not deserve to be here. I love you so very much.

While I was in Washington DC in June, the morning that we were on Capitol Hill, I received a message from an old friend of mine that one of her friend’s children had died by suicide, then I received a text from your friend Abby telling me that she had just found out that a young girl (13) in her community had died by suicide as well that day. It saddened me and I thought about you, and it made me realize even more than ever that I was in the place I was to do something GOOD for people, and to honor you.

When we returned home, we received a follow up e mail from the AFSP staff with 2 personal stories attached. I read both of them, then closed the e mail. For some reason, a few days later, I went back to re read the story from the person from PA. He made mention that on the day we were on the Hill, he had received a message regarding a young girl in his community that had died by suicide. I had to read it again, then I reached out to Abby to ask her what the young girl’s name was that she messaged me about that day. I sent an email to the representative from PA and let him know that I too had received a message that day about a young girl in PA that had died by suicide. I gave him the name and asked if it was the same person. There were some issues with e mails not going back and forth, so it took a few days to respond, but when he did, this is what I received:

Oh, my.
First, yes, the person is one and the same. And, the part that I didn’t know at the time, is that her aunt lives just 2 houses over from me.
Also I seem to recall Brittany’s story. What last name did she go by? I believe my daughter knew her.

I responded to him and once again, this was his reply:
YES, once and the same. After her passing, there were 2 teams who came to the walk, one from Lycoming and the other consisting of various members of the family. Were you there too? A number of folks returned this past year when we moved from Penn College to Indian Park.

 My heart skipped several beats during those e mail exchanges. I traveled 3000 miles to lobby for Suicide Prevention reform and you were there the entire time. I should have known. You always seem to be with me when I need you the most.

Rest in peace my sweet angel….I love you

WASHINGTON – On Friday, U.S. Congressmen Bill Cassidy and Danny Davis introduced legislation to reauthorize the Garrett Lee Smith Memorial Act (GLSMA).

 H.R. 2734, the Garrett Lee Smith Memorial Act Reauthorization of 2013 would revise and extend provisions of the original Act signed into law by President Bush in 2004.  GLSMA funds assist states, tribes, colleges and universities develop suicide prevention and intervention programs, which are often the first line of defense for those battling mental illness.

 According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, more than 38,000 Americans die by suicide every year, and suicide remains the second leading cause of death for young people age 15-24.  The CDC also reports that 157,000 young people alone are treated for self-inflicted injuries annually, often a result of a failed suicide attempt.

“In the last year, horrific consequences of untreated mental illness have drawn national attention—but statistics show that these events are only a glimpse into the often ignored national struggle with mental illnesses such as depression, bipolar disorder, and schizophrenia,” said Congressman Bill Cassidy, who noted that those with mental illness are far more likely to be a victim of self-directed violence than the perpetrators of violence against others. “This bill provides the critical resources needed to connect at-risk individuals to the services they need to recover before it’s too late.”

 He continued, “In my own state, GLS funding supports the Louisiana Partnership for Youth Suicide Prevention (LPTSP), which played an instrumental role in responding to mental health needs following Hurricane Katrina. LPTSP has since expanded to statewide outreach and education activities, providing prevention and assessment services to those at risk for emotional or behavioral disorders that lead to suicide or suicide attempts.”

“Children are the future of our nation,” said Rep. Danny Davis. “We should do everything in our vested power to ensure that suicide does not become an option and to remove it as the second leading cause of death among so many Americans between the ages of 15-24.”

 The legislation is named for former Senator Gordon Smith’s (R-OR) 22 year old son, Garrett who took his own life in September of 2003. Senator Smith led the original bill and continues to champion suicide prevention and mental health initiatives.

We’re happy to report that last week the Senate approved an additional $15 million for the National Violent Death Reporting System (NVDRS). As many of you know in order to design effective suicide prevention strategies, we must first have complete, accurate and timely information about deaths by suicide. NVDRS provides this information, which is essential to improve state and federal suicide prevention activities.  Current funding of $3.5 million allows only 18 states to participate in this program.

On Tuesday July 9, the Senate Labor, Health and Human Services, and Education (LHHS) Appropriations Subcommittee approved their Fiscal Year 2014 bill which included the increase in funding and this was subsequently approved by the full Senate Appropriations Committee on Thursday, July 11.

AFSP can claim full credit for this important victory. Between our work on June 13 during our Annual Advocacy Forum Hill visits and field advocate emails and calls last week our advocates were responsible for getting this increased funding approved during the Subcommittee markup. We ultimately beat back a rumored amendment that was to be offered during the full Committee markup that would have at minimum restricted the funding and at most stripped it entirely.

By SAMANTHA HAYWARD

The soul destroying agony of your child dying is only truly known and understood by those who have endured it. Four years on, I still glance down at my daughters grave in disbelief. Visiting my child’s grave is surreal. It’s almost like I’ve vacated my body and I’m watching someone I don’t know standing there putting flowers down.

Is this really my life ?

Only a parent understands the powerful bond you have with your child; that absolute undying love you have and that monumental desire that roars like an open fire inside you to protect that child at all costs. It is openly said that a parent will lay down their life for their child, but it is not until you have your own that you truly understand these fierce emotions. Parenting is wearing your heart on the outside of your body. Whatever you imagine it might be like to have your child die, multiply that by about a trillion and you’re probably not even close.

On the surface it appears society is accepting of this unbearable sadness and people are supportive and open to talking about it. However, in my situation I’ve been surprised by people’s genuine kindness and empathy as much as I’ve been repeatedly shocked & disappointed by their lack of it. It’s necessary for bereaved parents to be able to talk and, most of all, be able to talk openly. I’ve found it’s the only thing which dispels the trauma.

Sure, friends and family have been supportive, but it’s proven to be the case with me that there is a mandate as for how long their unwavering support, patience, understanding, concern and empathy lasts. The truth is, the situation is so unbearably sad that it becomes incredibly emotionally draining on the other person.

The realisation that they can’t fix your sadness sets in, the frustration builds because not even they can see an end in sight, then gradually it starts to impede on the happiness in their life. They haven’t lost their child so why should they spend all their time sad about yours?

I will, for the sake of all the other parents out there with empty arms, write ten things I wish people knew about the loss of a child. Maybe one of my ten points might make a difference to a bereaved parent’s life.

1. Four years on I get up every day with the exact same sadness I had the day Ella died. The only difference is I’m more skilled at hiding it and I’m much more used to the agony of my broken heart. The shock has somewhat lessened, but I do still find myself thinking I can’t believe this happened. I thought that only happened to other people. You asked how I was in the beginning yet you stopped, why? Where did you get the information on what week or month was good to stop asking?

2. Please don’t tell me that all you want is for me to be happy again. Nobody wants that more than I do, but it’s something that can only be achieved with time. On top of that, I have to find a new happiness. The happiness I once felt, that carefree feeling, will never return in its entirety. It also helps to have the patience and understanding from loved ones.

3. Please don’t say ‘I want the old Sam back!’ Or, I can see the old Sam coming back! Sam’s not coming back. This is who I am now. If you only knew the horror I witnessed and endured you would know it’s not humanly possible for me to ever be the same person again. Losing a child changes who you are. I’ve been told my eyes look haunted.

It’s a strange thing for someone to tell a grieving mother, but it’s true – I am haunted. My views on the world have changed, things that were once important are not now and vice versa. I feel as though you’re telling me two things here. Firstly you don’t like the person I am and, secondly if the old Sam’s not coming back I’m out of here. By the way there is nobody that misses the “old Sam” more than me!!! I’m mourning two deaths here; my daughter’s and my former self.

4. If you chose to acknowledge my daughter’s birthday or the anniversary of her death on the first year, it’s terribly gut wrenching when you didn’t bother to acknowledge the second or third or fourth. Do you think any subsequent birthday or anniversary is not as sad for me? It also says to me in very big neon lights that you’ve moved on and forgotten about my daughter.

5. Please stop with the continual comments about how lucky I am to have my other children particularly my daughter. Do I say this to you? Then why say it to me? I’ve buried my daughter do you seriously think I feel lucky?

6. It’s not healthy to cry in front of the kids? You’re wrong. It is perfectly healthy that they see I’m sad their sister has died. When someone dies it’s normal to cry. What would not be normal would be for my children to grow up and think “I never even saw my Mum sad over Ella’s death.” That would paint me in a light that would tell them it’s healthy to hide your emotions when obviously it’s not.

7. I have four children I don’t have three.  If you want to ignore Ella as my third child because she’s dead go for it but don’t do it for me. Four not three!

8. There are still some days, yes four years on, that I still want to hide away from the world and take a break from pretending everything is oh so wonderful and I’m all better.

Please don’t just assume I’ve thrown in the towel, or worse, actually be so thoughtless as to wonder what’s wrong with me. I still know I’ve married the catch of the century and my children are gorgeously divine and I have a beautiful house, but I’m grieving.

It’s mentally exhausting, especially raising three young children and on top of that maintaining a strong and loving marriage. Unbeknownst to you, I’m dealing with not just my own grief, but my beautiful husbands and my two boys.

It would be nice if you congratulated me on the state of my family because keeping it together, stable and happy, has been hard work.

9. I did notice. To the friends and family that found the entire death and dealing with my sadness all too hard and held secret events behind our backs that were lied about, stopped inviting us to things we had always been included in and slowly ended our relationship thinking I didn’t notice.

I did notice. The only reason why I never said anything is because I’m not wasting my words on your shameful behaviour. I am thankful for something though – I didn’t waste any more time on people that were capable of such shallowness and cruelty. Please don’t fear. I would be the first one by your side if the same thing happened to you. That should give you some indication of how horrible it is.

10. Grieving for a child lasts until you see them again. It’s a lifetime. If you’re wondering how long your friend or family member might be grieving for, the answer is forever. Don’t rush them, don’t trivialise their sadness, don’t make them feel guilty for being sad and when they talk to you, open your ears and listen, really listen to what they’re telling you. It’s possible you’ll learn something. Don’t be so cruel as to give up on them remember it’s not about you it’s about them.

I’ve been left repeatedly heart broken as friends that I truly loved and never thought would walk away from me tossed me into the too hard basket or – more hurtfully – the crazy basket. Phone calls stopped, text messages stopped, comments on Facebook stopped and I get the same thing every time. “Sorry darling I’m just flat out”, “Let’s catch up soon” and “I miss you.” The list could keep going but I get it. I’m not the type of person either that is going to pursue a friendship I know the other person doesn’t want. Everyone has a conscience and thankfully I don’t have to live with theirs.

You would think there are a lot of articles that raise awareness of the awful process associated with grieving for a child, but even stories from other parents are a rarity. The sad reality is there just isn’t enough said or printed. You seldom hear through the media about grieving for a child and the impact their death has on all the various people involved.

It can destroy a marriage instantly, it can leave siblings hurt, confused and angry. Often siblings are too young to understand, they’re angry that their family is not the same and even angrier that they don’t recognise their parents. Losing their sibling is bad enough but so much more is lost for these siblings that is never recognised. I could count on one hand the amount of times I’ve been asked how my boys were.

You might hear about the gory details surrounding a child’s death in the media but that’s about all. There should be so much more written about this topic, and additionally it should be talked about more openly than it is. I’m disappointed not just for me but for all the other grieving parents in society that this topic is met with so much fear and silence.

The bottom line is people are uncomfortable with the situation and I really don’t know why. My feelings tell me it is such an horrific thing that most people don’t want to know about it. Maybe they fear through knowing so much they might become obsessed with their own children dying. Parents worry enough about their children already. Do they really need the added worry about knowing how your child died?

Without question, my daughter Ella dying suddenly has been the worst thing that has happened in my 37 years here on Earth. I doubt that anything in my future is going to top it. Actually, just between us, I beg and plead with God on a daily basis that nothing ever does top that experience, but the truth is I just don’t know.

I’m not a mind reader nor do I have a magic pair of glasses where I can see how the rest of my life will unfold. I just have to hope that nothing ever does, but I have a very real fear it will because it has actually already happened to me. I know without having to hold a psychology degree that having those fears is normal.

“I don’t think I would be able to survive something like it again.”

What I’ve endured, losing my little princess, has been so unimaginably horrific that I don’t think I would survive something like it again.

What I have had to give emotionally to get through it has dwindled away all my mental strength – just like twenty cents pieces in a kid’s piggy bank.

I’m broke – not broken – I’m broke emotionally. I know all the energy I’ve needed over the last four years has not just been spent on my grief for Ella.

It’s been on trying to get my friends and family to understand what it’s like to walk in my shoes. I’m angry about that. When I should have been grieving, I was defending myself.

I’m probably very close to being as angry about that as I am about her death. I wish I wasn’t angry. Lord knows I don’t need another emotion but I don’t know how to not be angry, especially with some of the things that people have said and done to me. I talk and talk yet I’m often never actually heard.

I’m not sure if it’s a lack of literature around or perhaps that people simply don’t want to read it because it’s so awful and they don’t want to know someone they love and care about it experiencing so much agony. I  personally know though, if I found out a family member or friend had been diagnosed with an illness or disease, or worse, their child, I would be on Google immediately finding out more about it and how I could help them the best. So why is it that this doesn’t seem to apply with the death of a child?

Most people just think they know. I find this extremely frustrating. The death of your child is the worst thing that can happen to a person, yet most feel educated enough to advise, to criticise, to lend their words of wisdom when they don’t know the first thing about it. Get over it? Why don’t we see if you could get over it first!

Most people wouldn’t know that when I meet someone new I instantly become uncomfortable and filled with dread. I know at any moment when I engage in conversation the question is going to arise about my family and how many children do I have? I would love not to have to tell them. Life would be a lot easier if I could take that path. However, I do have another child. Her name is Ella. She would now be four but she died when she was 19 days old. She isn’t lost – I know exactly where she is, she’s dead.

Ella is my third child and she deserves to be acknowledged just as much as my other children. I’ve lied before saying I have only three children, but the guilt that follows me around for days on end is just simply not worth it. I can actually hear Ella saying to me “don’t I matter anymore Mummy?” “Why were you too ashamed to talk about me?”

So personally for me, as much as I don’t want to tell someone I don’t personally know very well that my daughter is dead, the guilt of not acknowledging her is worse. I don’t have three children, I have four and my daughter is not my only daughter – I have another as well. It’s pot luck what their reaction is going to be. There’s no telling what they’re going to say. You just have to close your eyes, cover your broken heart and hope they don’t plunge that knife further in.

If I could have my questions answered on why people give so much advice on a topic that they know so little about, it would really help me. What has surprised me so much since Ella’s death is how little empathy there is in the world. Empathy to me is a no brainier. You just imagine you’re in the other persons shoes, simple yes? Apparently no. Just think how you would like to be treated and if you wouldn’t like it don’t do it. You never know what your life holds – one day it could be you wearing my shoes!

I hope this article about my personal thoughts and opinions helps at least one person understand to some degree what life is like for the bereaved parent ❤

I dedicate this article to my soul mate, Darren. I’m the luckiest girl in the world having you, my darling. I love you more and more everyday you’re simply perfect and after fifteen years my heart still skips a beat with I see you. My friend Natalie Donnelly & her daughter Eryn. To put it simply: she is an angel and if the world was full of Natalies, it would be a better place. Also my bestie Liv thank you for letting me be and never smothering me with pointless words. Love you both xx

The trip to Washington DC was a huge success! We were able to meet with Harry Reid, the Senate Majority leader to discuss with him the need for his co-sponsorship on several different topics that revolve around suicide prevention. Being a survivor of suicide himself (having lost his father many years ago), it was especially touching to be able to talk with him about the help that he knows we so desperately need to make this a world without suicide. He is an extremely busy man, but was so nice to take time to sit with us, even for just a few minutes.

Phil had so much great information to share with the people that we met with as well as the people that were there for AFSP. His insight in regards to the military is so very valuable and very much needed. We can all speculate about what is going on in the military, but with him actually being active duty and with the specialty position that he holds, everyone was very interested in speaking with him about it. Thank God that he was there with me because I do not think that I could have made it through without him.

Phil and I on Capitol Hill

Phil, Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (NV) and me at the Capitol Building in the Senate Majority Leader’s suite

Me, Congresswoman Grace Napolitano and Phil at the AFSP awards event

I am so very honored to have been asked to participate in the 2013 American Foundation for Suicide Prevention Field Advocacy Forum in Washington DC this month. Next week we will leave for what I hope will be a moving and life changing experience. I have already set in stone an appointment with one of the most influential men in politics who happens to be from Nevada and who also knows what it is like to be a survivor of suicide. Senator Harry Reid is going to take some time from his busy schedule to sit and talk to Phil and I so that we can work together to do more for suicide prevention, not just in general, but also in regards to the military and the tragedy that continues to hit our armed forces. I’m so very nervouse and excited at the same time and I have received some amazing words of advice from others who have already been to the forum in the past.

Alright little girl…I hope that you know that this is all because of you. I am doing this because we lost you. You left us and I want to help others know that there is help out there. No one has to go through things alone in this crazy world. I wish that you had known that. I can go on and on with the ‘If Only’s’ but that is not going to bring you back, so I crusade. I crusade for you and for all the others that felt the only way out was by suicide. I crusade for the other parents that have had to put their child in the ground instead of watching them graduate from college, get married and have babies. I will crusade until I can no longer breathe.

I love you. I hope you are resting in peace and I hope that you know that there are people here who miss you every day that we walk the earth.

Until we meet again, never forget that you are my baby, and I am your mommy.

Well, it finally happened. We got to finally have the wedding of sister and Jeff. It was such a beautiful day. Everything was perfect from the weather to the smiles on everyones faces to the food and the dancing. There was only one thing missing…..

We thought about you all day. You were there with us in spirit and in thoughts. We had pictures of you and others in our family that we miss dearly. We saved a seat for you.

Your sister was stunning. She was everything that I imagined she would be on her wedding day. Even though her and brother have been married for 3 years, it meant so much to see them actually have a wedding ceremony. Your little sisters were the junior bridesmaids and they did a great job.

All in all, everything was just amazing! It is a day that I will not soon forget. We love you, we know you were there with us, and we miss you everyday.

Rest in peace my sweet angel.

It’s funny how people handle stress and drama sometimes. They try to bring stress and drama into other people’s lives simply because they can’t learn to be happy. People don’t seem to get a clue when they are not wanted in others lives. They continue to reach out and try to contact people that want nothing to do with them. They even lash out at said people and try to make them look bad. It’s a very sad life to lead. To constantly be consumed with the thoughts of people that could care less about that other person and to be dismissed from someone’s life. To still be angry about something that that person brought on themselves but to not have the mental capability to actually accept responsibility for their actions and to realize that they are the ones at fault. I guess it’s easier to put the blame on someone else for their actions than to be and adult and to reflect back and actually realize that they were the one that was completely at fault. To continue, even after 2 1/2 years, to throw the blame on people that had nothing to do with what happened. To blame others for not being allowed to be a part of something. To not allow others to help even after it was offered. To go from one extreme to the other. To actually not reflect back and realize that perhaps they were the reason why they lost what was most precious to them. That if they had been a better person, someone would not have felt the need to so desperately get away from them that they did the ultimate life altering action. The life ending action.

It’s also funny that said person is saying that people need to stop being so self absorbed when said person is so extremely self absorbed that they made losing a child all about them, instead of about the child that has left this earth too soon. Not focusing on the children that are still living, but obsessing about the child that has left. Neglecting those that need said person and dwelling on the hateful ugliness that they themselves have created. Sad that said person thinks that everyone around them agrees with their opinion. When the truth is that those people that are around this particular individual are just simply afraid of them. They are afraid one minute to the next how said person is going to react if they were to actually tell the truth to this person about how they really feel about the way this person treated the child that left. It is easier for these people to just stay away from said person because they never know when (never IF) said person is going to SNAP.

And YES…..If you are reading this…and you know who YOU are…..this is all about you. Being that you are so self absorbed.

Last night Scream asked me (after being VERY hesitant and almost afraid to ask) why when I reference something, it always starts with the phrase ‘Before Brittany died’ or ‘After Brittany died’.  My answer to him was that because he was not in my life at the time that you passed, it was just easier for me to use your passing as a baseline for events that have occurred in my life. But, I have found that I do not only do it with him, but with everyone that I speak with. I feel like the day you died, I died also and was born again as a different person. I have found that I am handling situations and people differently than I used to. I no longer dwell on the bad and the negative, but instead I remove THAT from my world and try to only focus on the good and the positive.

Yes, losing you was the worst thing that could have ever happened to me. I never would ever wish that on anyone…not even the people that I dislike most in the world, but, losing you also made me a ‘better’ person if that makes any sense at all. You have made me want to make the world a slightly better place. I want to try and help and prevent others from going through what you were going through and other families from going through what we as a family as gone through.

Life is not always easy….I can definitely relate to that more than most, but there is help out there. I wish you had reached out for help. I wish you knew that you could have turned to me or to Gram or to sister or ANYone to get the help you needed. I wish I had fought harder for you to get you out of that miserable house and away from those miserable people. All I can do is thank GOD that your sister got out when she did. Losing you was so hard, I would not be able to imagine losing any of your sisters as well.

I love you my angel. I hope that you are resting peacefully and that you know that you can never be hurt again. You will always be young and always be beautiful…but most importantly…you will always be SAFE from harm.